prkygth: (Dreaming with the Moon)

This is a new book that I am hoping to be reading soon. I watched an interview earlier this week (it was a re-run) on the Rachael Ray Show with Maria Shriver about this book and it really made me think- I have always had the answer to the question 'what are you going to be when you grow up' or 'what are you going to do after graduation- do you have a plan?'
Of course I did, I had my plans made since the age of 4 years old- I was going to be a nurse! I went to college, I became a nurse, I worked as a nurse for 4 years- even had what many have considered was my dream job. But then something happened, I still don't know what triggered it- maybe it was my dream job, maybe my personal life and my job together- who knows. But what I have figured out is that my 'what are you going to do with your life' is not here- it is not a place in my life right now, it scares me to death, I sometimes can't imagine that I used to do the things that I used to do; also what scares me is that I don't know WHO I am.
I have always had my what, that was never ever a question- never faltered when asked- I was going to be a nurse when I grew up, I became a nurse- now yes, technically I am still a nurse on paper- but who am I if I am not a nurse actively?
I know that there is more to me, there is a who to me rather than just a what- I guess that should be part of my therapy....to figure out who I am now that my what I am is gone.
prkygth: (Dreaming with the Moon)
It has always amazed me how good you feel after getting even a simple haircut, sometimes even just getting your hair washed when you are sick. But yesterday I spent 2 1/2 hours with my hair stylist (I love Mark) getting my hair done- yes I admit, my red is no longer mine, it comes from a bottle, but I know that originally I am a true red head! Anyway, getting to hear the other chaos going on, hearing about his family- his wife will be starting back to school next semester to get her pre-req's done for nursing- talking about just life in general. I felt normal again yesterday, I loved it- for those 2 1/2 hours I wasn't crazy me, I was normal me, no anxiety, nothing. Salons and spas have magical powers you should all try them at least once in awhile, that should be a prescription from the psychiatrist and covered by insurance- but let's not go there- I am in a happy place. :)


Then after having a wonderful afternoon (not wearing my brace at all by the way- my wrist is feeling much better- still sore, but not like it was.), I spent the evening with my Circle of Girlfriends- and one that had not been able to come because of scheduling conflicts was there- we were missing one physically (because she is in Seattle for I am sure a beautiful wedding) but she was there in spirit! So very soon all 7 of us will be together for an 'event' and will be so full of energy! We made so many plans for the future it was amazing to do that, to look forward to the future with so many hopes and not be afraid.
No I am not looking at in ways of going back to work- that still terrifies me greatly- nursing I mean. But also I usually don't make it through family functions without an anxiety attack- so we'll see what happens today at the fair. But last night with my circle I felt normal for the first time in months- I did cry, because it was also the first time I felt like I used to, like a normal human- like the old Sara. I loved it! I hope it continues and continues..........

LIfe

Jul. 7th, 2008 12:57 pm
prkygth: (My True Self)
Last night, well yesterday actually [livejournal.com profile] scascot had to call my parents for the first time to get away from me. I actually drove my [livejournal.com profile] scascot away, not permanently luckily, but enough that he had to get me away from him for a time or risk leaving.
My manic episodes have increased, so my psych and I are trying to adjust my abilify dose to the correct dose for me, right now I go from mania to anxiety which basically means go, go, go, go then all of a sudden I am exhausted and need a nap or 'crash'. So that is where I am at this time. Hopefully something changes, or gets a little better, or a little more livable.

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prkygth

October 2009

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