hiya

Feb. 14th, 2009 03:01 am
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  • 18:04 Wishing everyone an early Happy Valentine's Day! #

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Why

Feb. 12th, 2009 11:30 pm
prkygth: (Dreaming with the Moon)
I for some reason started thinking about this tonight and I am not sure why. The Octo-Mom is everywhere on TV and it is really getting to me. Why is she allowed an instant family and I can't even have one healthy baby?! Why is my body broken and hers works?! Yes, she has suffered from miscarriage, so she knows that pain and heartache- but then she seems to shove it all in our faces with first having six children all via IVF and now with having eight- WTF! She shows no sense of caring that there are thousands of us out here that can't have just one baby, let alone eight!
She is on welfare and thinks that it is perfectly fine that we all take care of her monstrous family- what if we want a family, is she going to pay for ours? NO, because she is staying at home taking care of her 14 babies.
My counselor wants me to get in touch with a family member or a friend that has a child or children the ages of those that I have lost- he thinks that by me getting close to them that it would some how help me get better- whatever! I don't know how to get it through to him that I am trying to move on with my life, and I know that a child is not part of that plan- I have four angels, I have four freaking statutes- I don't get to pretend 'hey what if' everyone in my life has seemed to move on but me. I don't want everyone to dwell over my losses but to acknowledge that the lives were here, that they meant something to more than just me- that I wasn't the only one that had hopes and dreams ripped out of my heart. Hubby has gotten better, but at times I know he is doing it all for me. I know that he hurts too- but I know he thinks I should be over this by now. My family that knows thinks that I should be past this- so at times I feel like I have a silent personal heartbreak that I can't share with anyone because the mourning period ended a long time ago. I don't know that I will ever be over loosing my angels- from the moment that I knew I was pregnant I tried not to get attached for fear of a broken heart, but human nature just takes over and you start to make hopes and dreams that become shattered to the point that I don't even know how to pick up the pieces anymore.
I am back to being bitter around pregnant women and I hate that when I am like that- I should be happy for them, I don't know their situation, they could have had problems like I did- but I still under my breath utter the horrible words of bitch or worse, and then feel guilty that I feel that way about them, I should be happy for them, they are starting or adding to their family- it isn't their fault that I am broken. I hate being broken, it isn't fair, it really isn't.

Twilight

Nov. 29th, 2008 09:34 am
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Went to see Twilight last night, yes [livejournal.com profile] scascot took me to see it! It was very good, now just can't wait to start reading the books, lets just say I am now hooked.
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Happy Birthday to you [livejournal.com profile] catnapcaps and your cute little caps!

hiya

Nov. 19th, 2008 03:30 am
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  • 12:48 I hate being sick- took NyQuil- please take away the pain #

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Edie-
Hope you have a great day- Happy Birthday!
Love Ya-Sara
prkygth: (Default)
Well, I am scheduled for a stress test early Friday morning and I am scared to death. Don't know why, I am not even sure what they are going to do- sounds partly like they are going to give me medications. I am just nervous and having a bad day and more testing isn't helping. I am still having some chest pain or discomfort whatever you want to call it, it started up again this morning- I don't know whether to ignore it or what- it scares me. I almost wish that they would find something.
prkygth: (Default)
Well I have now been home for 24 hours from little stint in the ICU. Yes, that is what I said, I was in the ICU Saturday for observation of chest pain and headache because I have a blood clot in my left arm and I guess the clots in the arms have a higher tendency to break off and travel else where in the body. Per CT exam I don't have any clots in my lungs this time which is why they kept me because it didn't feel like my asthma and a breathing treatment didn't help any. So I got to stay the day and night in the hospital. And I forgot just how many times we wake up ICU patients I swear that every time I had just gotten to sleep the nurse came in or lab showed up or something else. Not to mention the fact that once they increased my diet from clear liquid (at lunch) to cardiac blah at dinner my headache for one came back with a vengeance but I think that they advanced my diet a little to quickly from nothing to solids because I tried really hard to give it back. :( So, [livejournal.com profile] scascot sat with me while they gave me meds for the nausea and I sat with my pink bucket trying not heave. Then he sat with me while I used my meds from home for my headache which worked for a little bit as I ended up getting meds via my IV that thankfully knocked me out....finally and made my headache go away. So here I am waiting to figure out why for one I keep getting blood clots- this is my second major one in 4 years, and then my second in about a month (had a superficial thrombophlebitis the end of September) and then trying to figure out what happened this weekend.
I got permission to stop shooting myself (well, my mother and [livejournal.com profile] scascot) in the stomach with blood thinning injections today from the doctor, my blood is finally 'thin' enough and the oral meds have kicked in that I don't need them anymore- YEAH! My stomach was getting quite bruised and was oozing blood almost continuously- yeah, I know gross. So, now I am just taking as dh puts oral rat poison for the rest of my life- yippee! Oh yes and I have a stress test scheduled for early Friday morning- I am so excited to show how out of shape I am- I am beyond thrilled, but I think because of the instructions I got I am also get medications, I am a little nervous, but hopefully it won't show anything other than I am massively out of shape. We shall see.

hiya

Oct. 26th, 2008 03:04 am
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  • 09:05 @solcita welcome home- we missed you! #

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Meds bite!

Oct. 25th, 2008 03:12 pm
prkygth: (I can hope and dream can't I?)
Well, I have had this splotchy, dry skin type 'rash' all over my face since starting Prozac a few weeks ago- this morning after showering and washing my face it turned into something much worse! I look like I have a huge horrible burn on my face! It hurts a lot and looks hideous- my psych finally got with me and told me to stop the Prozac and watch for blisters anywhere on my body- thrilling- NOT! If the rash gets worse I am supposed to go to the ER or contact my primary care physician (who would tell me to go the ER)- I am so sick of meds and their side effects, especially when I turn out to be one of those special patients you know the 1 in 100 or 1000 that gets this particular side effect- I can't even be normal when it comes to side effects. My face hurts, it looks like some threw hot water or something on it, and I am in a bad mood- oh yes, and to top it all off, I have a headache to! I love my life.....whatever go here to view the loveliness

hiya

Oct. 25th, 2008 03:04 am
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  • 13:07 @scascot at least one of us is sane :P #

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3 Years

Oct. 24th, 2008 12:57 pm
prkygth: (Make A Wish)


Tomorrow will be 3 years since our journey to trying to become parents began and sadly ended within a few weeks.
We had so many hopes and dreams that we had been planning for so many years. Even though it has been 3 years it seems like just yesterday that we were finding out that we were pregnant and then that we were losing her. I can still remember the events of the day like it was yesterday. I do admit that I am handling this anniversary much better this year than I have in the past. I have been teary, but I haven't had a complete breakdown like last year. I think I am finally healing from the pain and the loss. But it does still hurt not having them with me where they should be, they are with me in my heart and I think of them often and love them everyday.

hiya

Oct. 23rd, 2008 03:05 am
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  • 17:26 @solcita glad you found something exciting to do....sounds like a lot of fun! Hope you continue to find awesome adventures #

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hiya

Oct. 19th, 2008 03:04 am
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  • 17:02 @solcita hope you have a relaxing trip- you deserve it! #

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Tomorrow will be 1 year. Yep, we should be celebrating Little Mouse's 1st birthday tomorrow, instead we are coming to terms with the fact that she's not here, neither are brother or sister. None of them ever will be with us physically, but they will forever be with us in our hearts, and on Miss Mouse's- Miss Ruth Ann's 1st birthday we think of them all and heals our hearts a little bit more.

hiya

Oct. 18th, 2008 03:04 am
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  • 13:26 note to self: take ambien earlier than 10:30pm....but do feel rested- finally! #

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prkygth: (Dreaming with the Moon)
Need to take it much earlier than I did last night, but I finally slept without taking over an hour to fall asleep grinding my teeth the entire time, etc, etc. Bottom line, I slept and woke up feeling rested, the first time in I don't know how long, will like I said play with the time I take it so that I get up before 11am.

hiya

Oct. 17th, 2008 03:03 am
prkygth: (Default)
  • 12:28 Just had lunch- trying to stay warm and resist the temptation to start my new ambien rx now- did not sleep that great last night, tired now. #
  • 15:32 to sleep, to sleep....I wish! #
  • 15:40 @scascot if only I could take a nap, that is the problem....I feel tired, but I am wide awake :( I have something out for dinner- #
  • 15:41 tweet cont. need to do something with the pork loin in the fridge. #
  • 15:46 @scascot ok, if only not to burn down the house since we proved I can do that once recently...or at least close to it :P I love you! #
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There is a beautiful blog on blogspot and they do a beautiful thing for parents.....these parents in honor and memory of their beloved children write your child's name in the sand then take a picture of it and post it on their blog for you to see- well below is a link to see mine and [livejournal.com profile] scascot angels, it is healing to see their names written out in the sand by someone else- it makes them more than a memory or a figment of fleeting time- it is making the upcoming anniversary easier. I am feeling calmer about them being gone, about us being a couple without children- deprived of such joys that they each would have given us. I know that they each would have had their own wonderful personalities and would have been a beautiful little soul making their way in this world. I can imagine as the waves washed away their names I can feel a calm would have come over me almost as I would have been able to say hello and goodbye- and have them each say the same to me. It would have been a beautiful moment, but even so having their names written in the sand was a beautiful gift to have given if only for a fleeting moment in time- just like their time here with us fleeting, but beautiful and never to be forgotten.

http://namesinthesand.blogspot.com/2008/10/brierley-isabel-henry-philip-and-ruth.html

hiya

Oct. 15th, 2008 03:04 am
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  • 15:02 Going over to mom and dads - using another actiq #
  • 20:09 head finally feeling a little better, now I am just way drugged. #
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