This summer has been really rough for me. My headaches got out of control on more than one occasion landing us in the ER for treatment. My parents had to put their beloved (my sibling) lab down just a week past her 12 birthday- she is now cremated and sits in a beautiful box surrounded by fun memorable pictures on top of a curio cabinet in their living room. My mom had both of her knees replaced at the same time- this was when my headaches started to get out of control- when I was supposed to be helping take care of her I was ending up over at their home so my dad could take care of both of us. And then recently I had some of the really bad headaches that had caused me to go through a months worth of pills in 20 days; so it was decided that we would wean off of some of the pain meds, also because I had become suicidal again- one of the trips to the ER for pain control and anxiety control. This summer has been a downward spiral for me in trying to get off of meds, understand why people still love me and take care of me when all control is gone, when I just want to give it all up- everyone is still here for me. Sometimes that is the hardest part for me to understand- I know that I am loved I just sometimes can't see it or understand it.
Tonight I found out the hard way that my meds (I am guessing) and alcohol don't mix- AT ALL! You see, my family took [Bad username or site: @ livejournal.com] and I out for dinner for his birthday, and I had some peach hard lemonade with my dinner- all went well until about 5 minutes after eating.....luckily we were out the door of the restaurant- but in the backseat of my Dad's truck- I started to not feel so well and well things happened- everywhere, and I mean everywhere. Won't go into any further details as it is not very ladylike. Happy Birthday Honey!
Today is a difficult day, yes I have a Mom to celebrate, but what about me? People tell me I am a Mother for what I have been through but then I am not acknowledged. So which is it, am I a Mother or not? Holidays like today break my heart, I love to celebrate my Mom, wish my husband had his Mom here with him (briefly) to celebrate her- he knows what I mean :) But dammit what about me?! Where do I fit in in all of todays festivities- I feel like I am butting in because I really don't have children- what happens for my dear husband scascot next month- does he get celebrated because he is a Father or does he too get overlooked?
- 10:29 Beltane baking finished for the most part- very ahppy about this, because once again for the 3rd or 4th week in a row I have a headache! #
- 17:48 Headache back down to its normal 2-3/10 after 2 pain pills and sleep- yipee- now just sleepy with a drug hangover- I love my life. #
Solcita, Sunnie, Grace- by whichever name you are known you are amazing at each- I am so glad that we met you those many years ago, you hold a special place in my heart and when we do get to actually see you in person it is so special to me, because I consider you a part of my extended family. Have a Blessed birthday my dear friend and know that you are loved from afar we miss you and think of you often- take care!